Saturday, 16 October 2010


Re The Dunny Man.  I doubt that I will ever manage to locate a roundtoit suitable to enable me to ever complete a book on The Dunny Man, so here are some of the thoughts I have cogitated on so far.

Dun-ny Makes the World Go Around,
the world go around,
the world go around...

Have you ever stopped to ponder why God has given nearly every life form he created an arsehole?  Could it be that God has a Poo fetish?

You have probably heard of the Food Chain, where minor life forms are eaten by higher life forms etc. etc.  But have you ever stopped to reflect on the fact that there is an equally important food chain that extends the other way, fixated on the nutritional value of Poo?. 
Chickens are near the top of this food chain, nearly everything likes a nutritious bit of chicken poo, dogs in particular, but then dogs are partial not only to chicken poo, but rabbit, and horse poo feature equally well.  Behind the dog and their close companions, the humans, come the rats who just adore dog poo.  Behind the rats and many other lower life forms in this food chain come the insects, laying their eggs in piles of low grade poo so their maggots may extract a lifes full of nutrition from it.  Then behind them comes the worms and the bacteria, leaving a nutritious humic soup for the final level, the plants, to dine on which of course starts the whole food conventional 'food chain' off again.  Dunny literally makes the living world go around, so that is perhaps why God gave most living things an arsehole - in order not to break the circle (it has been noted that some holy monks particularly celebrate the importance of this 'circularity').  Before leaving the topic of the inverted foodchain, we should not forget that procrophagia is so important to the cycle of life that God even decided to create a word for it..

There seems to be a fundamental truth - 'Where there is life, there is excrement'

So, moving on to the importance of Dunny and indeed The Dunny Man, to the human society.  You may have heard the old phrase 'Where there's Muck, there's Brass' and perhaps the less popular one known to all Dunny Men, 'Where there's shit, there's tomatoes'.  Both equally, true, but if you think back to the inverted food chain, it will perhaps come as no surprise to find out that for humans, poo is inversely proportional to status ( everyone knows that the Queen does not have vulgar orifices but that Phillip kept his arsehole for purposes of 'blowing orf').

In humans, status and social elevation almost certainly dated from the humorous activity of popping ones arse over the edge of the branch and seeing if you could poop on the unfortunates below you.  Later generations were to adopt the more polite introduction of an aerial deposition by the calling of the term 'Guardiloo', followed by masses of giggling caused by the state of the poor unfortunates  who were either deaf or even more hillarious were those who heard, but didn't quite catch the warning in time as they were invariably looking up at the moment of occulation.  The importance of the descent of poo through the social strata to the structure of that strata is perhaps shown to greatest effect in India where a whole social caste have been created - The Untouchables - to be societies visible Dunny Men and to mark out the superiority of those arseholes  sitting on higher social branches.  Indeed, the action of being seen to shit on ones subordinates is seen in some cultures as an important measure of rank and status.  Perhaps this was also reinforced by the perception that ones imaginary friend spent his day interfering with man's toils from his lofty seat in the clouds and that distancing oneself from the destination of poo was to travel in the direction of the deity.  The perception might even have coined the phrase 'Cleanliness is next to Godliness'.  Indeed, such is the social stigma of things pooesque, that even those who may have made vast fortunes through their endeavours of shovelling shit are shunned by those who live at the top of the tree (but this might also have something to do with the smell and wart infested skin that can accompany the professions most ardent practitioners.

But God is more intelligent than men.  He gave men arseholes so they should become part of the great circle of life.  Sadly men can become fixated with things from their childhood and have a tendency not only to hang on to the need to chat frequently to their imaginary friend, but also to remain arseholes for the majority of their lives.  However, some men do manage to grow up and understand the importance of the great circularity.  While some can become (like the monks mentioned before) a little too literally fixated with the immediacy of the great circle, most will manage to become respectable stalwarts of the order of The Dunny Men.

When man lived in trees, or later when he took to hunter/gather life style on the savannah, the rich tapestry of life God had fashioned, took care of man's contribution to the great circle.  But when man started to evolve the genes for hairdressers, traffic wardens, solicitors and estate agents, then they felt the need to congregate in masses.  Huge inbred congregations of individuals carrying these genetic traits started to create the open cesspits of places such as Londinium.  Nature has its way of deleting recessive genes, and left to perform its duties, nature would have cleansed humankind of these aborations quite efficiently.  But it is in man's nature to protect his own and from the masses came Dunnymen of great ingenuity, driven by the sight of all that poo going to waste, they created a huge automated Dunny Collection Infrastructure (in its proper place of course - underground and out of sight) and along with it, a mega business for converting the cities waste into humus for the fields and 'fresh' drinking water to quench the thirst of the city along with rude amounts of wealth for their investors.  Sadly, this protected the inbred genes which have proliferated to infect much of society today.  Such is the way of great men with great ideals, there are always consequences that they (and we) will come to regret.

So has the role of The Dunny Man become fully institutionalised, the exclusive prerogative of major corporations?  Thankfully, the answer is No.  Nature and God continue to rail against the 'civilisation' of man and the role of The Dunnyman continues to be a part of many peoples lives.  If you have a pet, you will be called upon to exercise the duties of The Dunnyman on a regular basis.  A mother will know the frequency she will be required to implement her Dunnyman role.  A gardener will know of the importance to his crops of a liberal application of the returning circle.  Even Dunnyrobots collect poo from orbiting space 'goers' and ferry it to a fiery rendezvous with our outer atmosphere culminating in a fine sprinkling of 'Poodust' for all  - back unto the earth that which is the earth's.

An interesting turn which is now starting to manifest itself within our present version of 'modern society' is the transition of the physical Dunnyman into the metaphysical domain (such is the importance God has granted to the full circle).  Within 'industry' there tend to be two types of people - those who attract shit, the Dunnymen, AKA the doers, and those who are covered in Teflon and from whom shit radiates, yet to whom it never adheres.  I give these latter types the appellation of Goate or Trim types (Teflon with and without a smarmy grin).  For me a shining example of a modern day Dunnyman is a hero of mine called Jim Holman.  Jim was so accomplished at accommodating the shit of modern industry, that he became attuned even to the development of probable sources and would intervene to circumvent its creation.  The role of Dunnyman is even starting to become a part of the ultimate metaphysical domain - the world of the computer programme.  Such is the complexity of these systems today they even have their own metaphysical garbage collection Dunnymen routines.

I seems that God truly has made shit ubiquitous.